http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/en-UKMokoFeed10http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/ab/3c5e178c892677e6e8cb08f36b58ce_160x200.jpghttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/08/11/i_call_it_a_confession_but_you_know~1030434/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-08-11:/2006/08/11/i_call_it_a_confession_but_you_know~1030434/Fri, 11 Aug 2006 01:54:58 +0200 <p>I am the type of person that always tries to help people.</p> <p>But one day I was put in the position of having to choose who I helped.</p> <p>This lead to that and I ended up doing something I'm not proud of, and have kept secret for a long time and may do so for a long time more.</p> <p>I don't know why.</p> <p>It may be that there are people out there who understand.</p> <p>Maybe there are people out there who have also done something wrong for the right reasons.</p> <p>Maybe I'm alone, I just don't know.</p> <p>But I do know this: I'm not ready to forgive.</p> <p>I'm not ready to forgive my Mother, for screwing up.</p> <p>I'm not ready to forgive my Father, for walking out on me and witholding my siblings.</p> <p>I'm not ready to forgive my extended family for the numerous comments that they thought went un-heard.</p> <p>I'm not ready to forgive my friends who assume they know me, while turning a blind eye to the obvious chsnges.</p> <p>I'm not ready to forgive all those who see me trying to help and insist i'm trying to hinder.</p> <p>But most of all, I'm not ready to forgive myself. For all those stupid mistakes in my past, for the harm I did accidentally and deliberately. For the whong choices I made, for the fact that I can't forgive, for the fact that I push everyone I love away.</p> <p>Yes, I'm a fucked up guy, but I made myself into what I am today, this dark thing.</p> <p>I was told that we are only as dark as the secrets we keep.</p> <p>I disagree. I taught myself to be darker than my secrets.</p> <p>I want to scream at someone. Cry with someone. I want to let someone in, but because everyone knows me this way, they get suspicious when I let down my guard.</p> <p>I need something more substantial. I need facts and there are some who hate e for that.</p> <p>Yes, there was a time when I didn't need them, when I was free.</p> <p>But I was only free because I had the fear.</p> <p>Fear is what keeps us alive, Fear is what makes us good at what we do. We love because we fear being alone. We lie because we fear being found out, We accept the lies of others because we fear the truth.</p> <p>but we lie. We lie when we eat, we lie when we sleep. We lie when we say 'I love you', we lie when we say that it's a 'good morning'.</p> <p>We lie with our politicians leading the way, we lie so much that we begin to believe the lies.</p> <p>And we lie because we are afraid. Afraid of the fear, afraid of inevitability, afraid of change.</p> <p>I wanted to be the kind of person that people look up to. A good role model. But what have I actually become?</p> <p>I drift through life, without actually connecting to people. I go from low esteem job to low esteem job without making anything out of myself.</p> <p>I failed school.</p> <p>I've saved people's lives but no-one else cares.</p> <p>Have I lost my soul as a result of not caring?</p> <p>I need to change all this.</p> <p>I want to be a hero.</p> <p>Someone did a tarrot reading for me. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally fucked up, aparently.</p> <p>Stupid cards, I could have told you that.</p> <p>My friend keeps asking me "Do you remember when life was simple?" To which I'd reply "Life was never simple."</p> <p>Well maybe not, but I remember a time when I was happy.</p> <p>These days, all I do is help people. I give and give and give with little to nothing in return. I say little to nothing, because what I do get in return is either so miniscule that it hardly counts or it's evil.</p> <p>Lets review...</p> <p>I defend my little brothers, help them with schoolwork, let them play on my playstation, etc, then they act like b<strong>*</strong>ds and keep F***ing around when I try to get them to do something.</p> <p>Try to cheer people up when they're stuck on a problem. result: other people yell at me.</p> <p>I saved my last girlfriends life. Shortly afterwards I take her in when she's thrown out of her house.</p> <p>What do I get back?</p> <p>Death threats.</p> <p>Lend money - Have people turn their back on me when I need the money back.</p> <p>Everything I do has a perverse reaction, and I'm supposed to laugh at all the terrible things happening to me? I'm close to tears and I'm supposed to smile and shrug it off?</p> <p>That's what I've done my whole life. Smile, Shrug it off and Soldier on...</p> <p>"Just when you think you're too paranoid, you realise you're not paranoid enough." </p> <p>I know that this makes no sense to anyone reading, but this is the kind of thing that flies through my head on a regular basis.</p> <p>The long and short of it is that i say dumb things sometimes, and people take offense when none is meant.</p> <p>I have a secret that I don't want anyone to know, but I want someone to know so that it doesn't keep haunting me.</p> <p>People suck, especially me.</p> <p>And I don't know wether to burn my bridges again. I want to run, but where do I run to? What is it I'm truly running from?</p> <p>*sigh*</p> <p>Is someone going to one day lock me up in a mental asylum?</p> <p>Every time I try to help someone I get shot down in flames, usually by the person I'm helping.</p> <p>Everyone, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/08/11/i_call_it_a_confession_but_you_know~1030434/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/08/11/i_call_it_a_confession_but_you_know~1030434/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/08/02/long_time_no_blog~1008986/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-08-02:/2006/08/02/long_time_no_blog~1008986/Wed, 02 Aug 2006 21:07:10 +0200 <p>So... life sucks.<br> Love sucks.<br> Poetry may be on lulu.com soon.</p> <p>x </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/08/02/long_time_no_blog~1008986/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/08/02/long_time_no_blog~1008986/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/07/05/title~936443/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-07-05:/2006/07/05/title~936443/Wed, 05 Jul 2006 22:25:07 +0200 0) A robot may not injure humanity, or, through inaction, allow humanity to come to harm. <br>1) A robot may not harm a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. <br>2) A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. <br>3) A robot must protect its own existence, as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. </p> <p>The Three Laws of Robotics written by Isaac Asimov. (Also, the later added Zeroth Law)</p> <p>Every time I see something about a Sentient AI, I get inspired beyond belief. The thoughts gets me designing, researching updates in the field, etc, etc...</p> <p>It is a dream of mine to one day be able to have a conversation about philosophy, ethics, love or any other deep subject with an artificial life form.</p> <p>They say we'll have virtual reality by 2010, but a program that can learn? When will we have that? <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/07/05/title~936443/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/07/05/title~936443/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/05/31/heavens_no~844496/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-05-31:/2006/05/31/heavens_no~844496/Wed, 31 May 2006 20:12:35 +0200 <p>...HELL? YEAH!</p> <p>I swear, I'm so... Angry.</p> <p>I can't find the right word. (Thesaurus says "affronted, annoyed, antagonized, bitter, chafed, choleric, convulsed, cross, displeased, enraged, exacerbated, exasperated, ferocious, fierce, fiery, fuming, furious, galled, hateful, heated, hot, huffy, ill-tempered, impassioned, incensed, indignant, inflamed, infuriated, irascible, irate, ireful, irritable, irritated, maddened, nettled, offended, outraged, passionate, piqued, provoked, raging, resentful, riled, sore, splenetic, storming, sulky, sullen, tumultuous, turbulent, uptight, vexed, wrathful", but still doesn't cover it.)</p> <p>My rant for today? England. It's not cool.</p> <p>Listen carefully children: England. Sucks.</p> <p>Reasons for this: The Chavs (or <em>them</em> as I like to refer to... them...)</p> <p>They can't read. They can't write (other than 'Chaz woz ere fuk'n steve hoo has a big nob). They think darts is a sport, they wear knock-off clothing and think it's cool. Their jewelry weighs more than they do. If they're under 14, they'll have a baby, if their over 17 they'll look almost 70.</p> <p>I want to see the return of the lady. not one specific lady, but the breed of person, sophisticated, understands the value of a hard day's work (Jobseekers is NOT a hard day's work.)</p> <p>I want people who think differently. Someone who sees the correlation between beating each other to a pulp in the gym and sex.</p> <p>Someone who could come home and have a cream liquer with me, curled up in front of the warm glowing fireplace, reading on the persian rug.</p> <p>Instead I see people going home, downing a bottle of vodka curled in the chair, basking the the warm radioactive glow of the TV, with wine stains on the carpet and the books burned for heat in the winter.</p> <p>Watching the birds in the garden as we have supper, not watching football as we have a pint.</p> <p>A famous man once said 'It's the difference between making love and masturbating' and that's exactly what it is. England has become a country of masturbation (he he, wankers), and it's annoying me.</p> <p>Gimme enough money? I'd be out of here in a snap. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/05/31/heavens_no~844496/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/05/31/heavens_no~844496/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/05/09/karma_is_a_sum_of_all_that_an_individual~787415/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-05-09:/2006/05/09/karma_is_a_sum_of_all_that_an_individual~787415/Tue, 09 May 2006 19:07:07 +0200 <p>Another small rant for all you lovely readers.</p> <p>My mother did something drastic yesterday. She used me as an example for the defenition of failure.</p> <p>Let's review:</p> <p>1 ) I broke my best friend's arm in primary school.<br> 2 ) I bullied people in the second primary school.<br> 3 ) I fucked around in high school.<br> 4 ) I fucked up in college.<br> 5 ) I landed myself a dead-end job with little pay.<br> 6 ) I ran up about 1000 pound of debt.<br> 7 ) I spent three years of my life doing... well... nothing. And I bitched about it throughout.</p> <p>I am a bad person, and I can see why she said it.</p> <p>On the other hand...</p> <p>1 ) I have put up with her coming home and drinking herself stupid every night for the past 10 years.<br> 2 ) I have saved 4 people's lives to date (Or three people, one tried to die twice)<br> 3 ) I give people a shoulder to cry on.<br> 4 ) At least I did get myself a job, in a community where getting a job is frowned on ("Why get a job when you get more money off the doll?").<br> 5 ) I helped my brothers to stop getting bullied.<br> 6 ) I helped her through two divorces.<br> 7 ) I didn't say anything to her when;<br> A ) I caught her cheating on my step-father.<br> B ) I first found her smoking.<br> C ) I realised that she was an alcoholic.<br> D ) She spent six years criticizing me, every day.<br> 8 ) I helped her sort out her business and get it up and running.</p> <p>So failure? I think not. Personally, I'd say I'm more of a Modern_Hero than most people realise.</p> <p>For all you people out there reading this, I want you to do something, especially for me.</p> <p>Write down every good thing you have ever done with your life. Whether you're aged 14 or 40. Make it big, make it small, do it in biro, or carve it into a sculpture.</p> <p>Then, go and make an A1 poster of that list.</p> <p>Stick it up anywhere you like.</p> <p>Whenever you look at it, think carefully about those things on that list, just so that you can remember.</p> <p>Also remember that I'm not the only hero around here </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/05/09/karma_is_a_sum_of_all_that_an_individual~787415/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/05/09/karma_is_a_sum_of_all_that_an_individual~787415/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/05/03/candyfloss~772549/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-05-03:/2006/05/03/candyfloss~772549/Wed, 03 May 2006 10:56:45 +0200 <p>The friend in need game, suggested to myself and the rest of the world by my friend Emma.</p> <p>What you do is type in your name and the word needs into google, for example: 'Joe needs'</p> <p>You then take the results and post up the five funniest/most interesting results you find.</p> <p><u>'Conaire Needs'</u><br> <strong>St. Conaire's National School.</strong> <em>I have a school named after me?</em></p> <p>Needless to say this was quite possibly the funniest post with my name in. others included hair dryers and the irish language on wikipedia (the post needs to be 'wikified')</p> <p>I have such a cool name. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_cool.gif" alt="B)" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/05/03/candyfloss~772549/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/05/03/candyfloss~772549/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/25/write_on_fight_the_power_stick_it_to_da_~755538/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-04-25:/2006/04/25/write_on_fight_the_power_stick_it_to_da_~755538/Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:51:51 +0200 <p> Ok. So the mistake in the title is no mistake. I'm (finally) getting back online with everything.</p> <p> I'm sorting out my stories (Write on!) one of which may soon be seen on Lulu.com.</p> <p> I've taken up Tai Boxing (Fight the power!) and I'm pretty cool with it too. Just need teh fitness back... <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> Lastly, I got a new boss, who (so far) seems to be the same as my crappy supervisor (remember K-T from 'Close to Tears' on 20/03/2006?) so I'll be trying to get my other job on the run as soon as possible, So EWM can stick their job. (Stick it to da man!)</p> <p>So there you go. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/25/write_on_fight_the_power_stick_it_to_da_~755538/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/25/write_on_fight_the_power_stick_it_to_da_~755538/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/25/title~755394/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-04-25:/2006/04/25/title~755394/Tue, 25 Apr 2006 19:06:55 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/media/media_item.php?item_ID=504382"><img src="http://data1.blog.de/media/382/504382_0ed169460c_t.jpg" align="" alt="MH" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/25/title~755394/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/25/title~755394/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/23/the_bright_glorious_days_of_spring~750702/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-04-23:/2006/04/23/the_bright_glorious_days_of_spring~750702/Sun, 23 Apr 2006 23:13:05 +0200 <p>I'm just bored, so I'm posting a random post.</p> <p>*Insert flawed logic here*</p> <p>Ciao </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/23/the_bright_glorious_days_of_spring~750702/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/23/the_bright_glorious_days_of_spring~750702/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/19/syzygy~739437/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-04-19:/2006/04/19/syzygy~739437/Wed, 19 Apr 2006 16:01:36 +0200 <p>I Stole The Cube Help Me Comb LCTH Under Clap.</p> <p>What could it be? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/19/syzygy~739437/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/19/syzygy~739437/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/05/good_day_good_sir~705799/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-04-05:/2006/04/05/good_day_good_sir~705799/Wed, 05 Apr 2006 22:35:10 +0200 <p>Yeah, I had a pretty good day today. I got into college!</p> <p>Gonna do forensics. go me. yeah. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_razz.gif" alt=":p" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/05/good_day_good_sir~705799/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/04/05/good_day_good_sir~705799/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/03/20/close_to_tears~662431/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-03-20:/2006/03/20/close_to_tears~662431/Mon, 20 Mar 2006 22:37:21 +0100 <p>My friend keeps asking me "Do you remember when life was simple?" To which I'd reply "Life was never simple."</p> <p>Well maybe not, but I remember a time when I was happy.</p> <p>These days, all I do is help people. I give and give and give with little to nothing in return. I say little to nothing, because what I <em>do</em> get in return is either so miniscule that it hardly counts or it's evil.</p> <p>Lets review...</p> <p>I defend my little brothers, help them with schoolwork, let them play on my playstation, etc, then they act like b<strong>*</strong>ds and keep F***ing around when I try to get them to do something.</p> <p>Try to cheer people up when they're stuck on a problem. result: other people yell at me.</p> <p>I saved my last girlfriends life. Shortly afterwards I take her in when she's thrown out of her house.</p> <p>What do I get back?</p> <p>Death threats.</p> <p>At work, I do a better job than my so-called supervisor (Let's call her K-T), who will stand upstairs doing nothing for hours on end.</p> <p>Result: I get yelled at for making a single mistake. Yelled at on shop floor infront of customers.</p> <p>Lend money - Have people turn their back on me when I need it.</p> <p>Befriend the guy in high school who has no friends - Have him bully me when he gets 'popular'.</p> <p>Everything I do has a perverse reaction, and I'm supposed to laugh at all the terrible things happening to me? I'm close to tears and I'm supposed to smile and shrug it off?</p> <p>Well i'm sorry guys, but I find it to be no laughing matter. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/03/20/close_to_tears~662431/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/03/20/close_to_tears~662431/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/03/08/yeah_yeah~624135/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-03-08:/2006/03/08/yeah_yeah~624135/Wed, 08 Mar 2006 17:39:46 +0100 <p>I know, I know. It's been far too long since I last updated. I've meen too busy trying to get laid and stay alive. Much like James bond...</p> <p>Currently Listening to Heartfelt by Viard and feeling stressed.<img src="/img/smilies/grayuhoh.gif" alt="U-(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>"Just when you think you're too paranoid, you realise you're not paranoid enough." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/03/08/yeah_yeah~624135/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/03/08/yeah_yeah~624135/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/01/01/january_1st~432531/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2006-01-01:/2006/01/01/january_1st~432531/Sun, 01 Jan 2006 23:04:09 +0100 <p>Happy new year everyone and best wishes for the next 365 days! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/01/01/january_1st~432531/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2006/01/01/january_1st~432531/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/29/comin_atcha_from_lap_top_land~423213/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-12-28:/2005/12/29/comin_atcha_from_lap_top_land~423213/Thu, 29 Dec 2005 00:35:53 +0100 <p>Xmas this year has been pretty great. I got the laptop i wanted, a couple of books and the news that D+A are getting engaged.</p> <p><img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> all in all, a good week so far, so long as i leave out the bad parts... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/29/comin_atcha_from_lap_top_land~423213/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/29/comin_atcha_from_lap_top_land~423213/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/18/i_don_t_know~396707/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-12-18:/2005/12/18/i_don_t_know~396707/Sun, 18 Dec 2005 18:19:58 +0100 <p>I keep feeling like i'm searching for something, but will never find it.</p> <p>Before anyone even suggests it, no. it's not god.</p> <p>I'm gonna work on figuring it out for a while... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/18/i_don_t_know~396707/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/18/i_don_t_know~396707/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/18/in_danger~396026/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-12-18:/2005/12/18/in_danger~396026/Sun, 18 Dec 2005 14:03:27 +0100 <p>... okay, posted. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/18/in_danger~396026/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/18/in_danger~396026/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/14/tis_the_season_to_be_vengeful_mwa_ha_ha_~385576/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-12-14:/2005/12/14/tis_the_season_to_be_vengeful_mwa_ha_ha_~385576/Wed, 14 Dec 2005 12:46:40 +0100 <p>People keep telling me I've developed an evil laugh...</p> <p>Anyway, Work is shit, people are shit.</p> <p>I'm deaf in both ears due to an ear infection...</p> <p>Someone did a tarrot reading for me. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally fucked up, aparently.</p> <p>Stupid cards, I could have told you that.</p> <p>Meh.</p> <p>X </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/14/tis_the_season_to_be_vengeful_mwa_ha_ha_~385576/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/12/14/tis_the_season_to_be_vengeful_mwa_ha_ha_~385576/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/the_most_loneliest_day_of_my_life~345387/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-11-28:/2005/11/28/the_most_loneliest_day_of_my_life~345387/Mon, 28 Nov 2005 21:55:51 +0100 <p>28 November 1994 - 8 - My dad beats me for the last time. I snap and beat him.<br> 28 November 1995 - 9 - My first boyfriend moves house after almost two years of dating.<br> 28 November 1996 - 10 - I'm mugged and almost stabbed.<br> 28 November 1997 - 11 -I move house, away from my friends and school, getting bullied almost instantly.<br> 28 November 1998 - 12 - I find out about my brother and sister, who are being kept from me.<br> 28 November 1999 - 13 - My parents finalise their divorce<br> 28 November 2000 - 14 - Launa dies in my arms<br> 28 November 2001 - 15 - My first suicide atempt<br> 28 November 2002 - 16 - I pass up my first chance to get laid and My brother goes into hospital with a broken arm<br> 28 November 2003 - 17 - I meet shell (properly) for the first time.<br> 28 November 2004 - 18 - I almost cheat on the girl I later propose to.<br> 28 November 2005 - 19 - My best friend ends up in tears because she doesn't get the job she wants and says that I 'don't know hos she feels because I've never been through shit.</p> <p>Now, Caz. tell me I haven't been through as much shit as you in my life?</p> <p>I could be suicidal and you wouldn't know until I pulled the trigger.</p> <p>X </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/the_most_loneliest_day_of_my_life~345387/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/the_most_loneliest_day_of_my_life~345387/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/my_conscience_called_in_sick_again~334046/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-11-24:/2005/11/24/my_conscience_called_in_sick_again~334046/Thu, 24 Nov 2005 15:15:42 +0100 <p>I always wanted to be a hero.</p> <p>I wanted to be the kind of person that people look up to. A good role model. But what have I actually become?</p> <p>I drift through life, without actually connecting to people. I go from low esteem job to low esteem job without making anything out of myself.</p> <p>I failed school.</p> <p>I've saved people's lives but no-one else cares.</p> <p>Have I lost my soul as a result of not caring?</p> <p>I need to change all this.</p> <p>I want to be a hero.</p> <p>No...</p> <p>I <em><u><strong>will</strong></u></em> be a hero.</p> <p>X - Conaire </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/my_conscience_called_in_sick_again~334046/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/my_conscience_called_in_sick_again~334046/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/20/don_t_you_dare_doubt_me~323763/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-11-20:/2005/11/20/don_t_you_dare_doubt_me~323763/Sun, 20 Nov 2005 20:07:35 +0100 <p>No, alex, you tell me. Do you think it's true?.</p> <p>Okay ppl, here's the story.</p> <p>(Saturday 5th) Nikki and I were going for a drink, where we discussed the fact that she'd kissed a guy.</p> <p>(Sunday 6th) Because I'd promised Nikki I wouldn't tell Caz, I instead lie to caz, telling her that Nikki wanted to talk about the guy with a gun.</p> <p>(Monday 7th) Nikki txts me to ask why I hadn't called her on sunday. I replyu with 'i didn't know I was suppopsed to.'</p> <p>(Tuesday 8th-friday 11th) Nikki tells Caz that I tried to pay her for sex.</p> <p>(Saturday 12th-Thursday 17th) Caz believes her, tells people that she doesn't know what to do, etc... and (possibly the worst thing...) <strong><u><em>PEOPLE BELIEVED WHAT NIKKI SAID!</em></u></strong></p> <p>(Friday 8th) I find out about it, because Caz decides to talk to me for once. Her oldest friend, with possible exception of Lauren.</p> <p>(Saturday 19th) I have the day away from stratford, trying to figure everything out.</p> <p>(Sunday 19th) I tell Caz what Nikki and I actually talked about and get asked by alex if what Nikki said is true.</p> <p>Btw, fuck you all if you believed it. Only Caz is alowed to doubt me, and that's because she's earnt my trust time and time again.</p> <p>Ciao.</p> <p>X </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/20/don_t_you_dare_doubt_me~323763/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/20/don_t_you_dare_doubt_me~323763/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/19/and_now_i_know~319722/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-11-19:/2005/11/19/and_now_i_know~319722/Sat, 19 Nov 2005 11:57:44 +0100 <p>Heh. I understand now. Caz, I'm always here for you, okay? X </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/19/and_now_i_know~319722/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/19/and_now_i_know~319722/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/13/i_don_t_really_wanna_know_so_don_t_tell_~305207/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-11-13:/2005/11/13/i_don_t_really_wanna_know_so_don_t_tell_~305207/Sun, 13 Nov 2005 19:44:43 +0100 <p>I'm worried.</p> <p>Caz has changed so dramatically recently. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but it worries me either way.</p> <p>She's more attractive, but she's also less secure. She plans for the future but doesn't think about the present.</p> <p>Caz, If you're reading this at all, We really need to talk.</p> <p>...</p> <p>Ciao </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/13/i_don_t_really_wanna_know_so_don_t_tell_~305207/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/13/i_don_t_really_wanna_know_so_don_t_tell_~305207/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/08/cringes~292468/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-11-08:/2005/11/08/cringes~292468/Tue, 08 Nov 2005 21:05:15 +0100 <p>Hey. sorry for letting it get so long since my last update. I've been sorting out caz through the complex games of cat and mouse.</p> <p>But, my sister and brother rock, I went to see them, life's fine, all is well on the front.</p> <p>Heh. short but sweet. have fun guys.</p> <p>X </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/08/cringes~292468/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/11/08/cringes~292468/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/23/heh_still_a_liittle_drunk_from_more_alco~256025/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-10-23:/2005/10/23/heh_still_a_liittle_drunk_from_more_alco~256025/Sun, 23 Oct 2005 17:33:26 +0200 <p>Happy birthday... yesterday!<br> Happy birthday... yesterday!<br> Happy birthday to me!<br> Happy birthday... yesterday!</p> <p>Heh. So... I love my friends, they threw me a supprise party. Alex, Caz, Dee and myself came up with the 'CLAN' theory or problem people and spoke about Prima Vs Logia.</p> <p>I had 3 presents, my sister was in a car accident (thank god she's okay) and most of the extended family seems to have forgotten anyway...</p> <p>oh well, I had fun.</p> <p>X </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/23/heh_still_a_liittle_drunk_from_more_alco~256025/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/23/heh_still_a_liittle_drunk_from_more_alco~256025/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/16/and_so_fucking_angry~239009/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-10-16:/2005/10/16/and_so_fucking_angry~239009/Sun, 16 Oct 2005 21:21:23 +0200 <p>fucking hell!!!</p> <p>I mean, seriously. I'm looking back at what I wrote last week and All I can say is fucking hell!</p> <p>Of corse no-one cares! Just because I have my problems, doesn't mean everyone else's have just randomly stopped!</p> <p>Caz, I'm sorry babe. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to see you had your own. I know you're stressed out over everything and I know you feel like you keep fucking up, but you don't, okay? I just want you and alex to sort out everything.</p> <p>Girl who I want to be with:</p> <p>I'm sorry you have to find out about how everything's turning out in this way, but these days we don't talk. Either I'm busy or you are, and believe me, I hide the suicidal thing so well. I will not loose this relationship. Not after all we've been through to find each other.</p> <p>I still can't talk to you for fear of what will be said, or not said, but that's only one aspect of talking. I can still chat whenever you want or need to honey.</p> <p>So shell's engaged, big fucking deal, I lost her, she's happier now than she ever was with me.</p> <p>And Matt is happy now, that's all that matters.</p> <p>Caz, again I'm sorry.</p> <p>Alex, I am scared of how close you've grown, but I'm dealing with it in my own way, I love you too babe.</p> <p>My mom can fuck off with her 'you're always acting so superior to me' shit. What does she give a fuck for? she was never there for me, and we hardly ever speak anyway. Fuck her.</p> <p>Steph is sleeping with me, at least someone is.</p> <p>So no-one talks to me in bar situations? Big deal, I rarely go to bars! If all plans out tho, I may run my own soon!</p> <p>I am selfish! And I love it! Thinking about me most of the time is the only way to solve my problems. I will think about other people's problems when they need me to, but most of the time, I'll just focus on my own.</p> <p>I'm no longer worried about who'll be left at the end, All I know is I'll be there beside them, even at the end of time.</p> <p>Fucking hell!</p> <p>X - Conaire </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/16/and_so_fucking_angry~239009/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/16/and_so_fucking_angry~239009/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/10/so_tired~227180/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-10-10:/2005/10/10/so_tired~227180/Mon, 10 Oct 2005 19:49:15 +0200 <p>Heh. okay... lately...</p> <p>Right. I've had some problems lately. I'm feeling a bit better tho now, but I still feel as though no-one cares. I know alex or Caz will pipe in with 'we care' but it just doesn't feel like it.</p> <p>I was suicidal on saturday. I came very close to just ending it too. I wanted to talk to caz about it all but she was too busy, and just kept going on about the situation between her, Nicky, Alex and Dee, not to mention showing off her love bites.</p> <p>And the person I want to be with, but can't is the only one listening to me, but she's the one I can't really talk to, so now I'm gonna post it all up for the world to see.</p> <p>Shell, the girl I was engaged to until earlier this year got engaged again on saturday.</p> <p>Matt, a previously close friend and someone I haven't spoken to in a year was suicidal for most of it, and I never had the chance to say I was there for him, but I have now.</p> <p>Caz seems so self-absorbed that it's unreal.</p> <p>Alex is someone who knows me well, but i've only known her a short time. It scares me that she's so close to me already. (I have issues with trust)</p> <p>Mother dearest keeps saying i'm acting as though I'm so much better than her, ignoring the constant silence from me, except for when I'm singing my moody blues or drinking heavily.</p> <p>Steph is sleeping with me, but we're not in a b/f-g/f situation, it's just casual sex.</p> <p>I feel so ugly because no-one even talks to me anymore in bar situations.</p> <p>*Sigh* and the worst thing is that because I'm so depressed, I feel as though I'm being selfish or self absorbed.</p> <p>And to top it all off, I got home from work today and fainted at the top of the stairs, rolled down and whacked my head off the corner of the wall. Had the paramedics round and they seemed more interested in the house than in the fact that blood was oozing from my head without any visible cut.</p> <p>I'm ill and i feel like I hate everyone. As a result, I hate myself like a thousand times worse, and on top of that, I have issues with myself.</p> <p>I have an inferiority complex over my superiority complex and it's killing me slowly.</p> <p>I'm slowly wondering who's going to be left at the end of all of this.</p> <p>-Conaire </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/10/so_tired~227180/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/10/so_tired~227180/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/05/so~218359/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-10-05:/2005/10/05/so~218359/Wed, 05 Oct 2005 20:29:45 +0200 <p>okay, I'm bored. waiting for the phone to ring is about as exciting as watching paint dry (i like white paint, it gets a nice sheen to it...).</p> <p>So what's going on in my life?</p> <p>heh. not much.</p> <p>Caz on the other hand has three seperate people to sleep with this weekend. I'm sure alex will have at least one, and I'll probably end up with my coffee again... *sigh*</p> <p>Oh well, good luck to you guys. <img src="/img/smilies/graybigrazz.gif" alt=":P" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>X - Conaire </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/05/so~218359/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/05/so~218359/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/02/right~212348/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-10-02:/2005/10/02/right~212348/Sun, 02 Oct 2005 13:50:53 +0200 <p>Okay, moving on with life. I can't have her, so I'll just have to live with it.</p> <p>Okay, I'm now on face party. A wonderful idea inspired by Caz, Alex and K.</p> <p>Heh. I also promised to put this up:</p> <p>I'm Conaire, 18, Desperate and/or easy, I more or less live in stratford-upon-avon. My e-mail address is <a href="mailto:conaire@ownmail.net.">conaire@ownmail.net.</a></p> <p>Okay, spread that round, Tell everyone you know, tell people you don't know, just please get me laid.</p> <p>PS. Never ever go on the pull with people who actually want to talk to friends.</p> <p>Heh.</p> <p>Ciao - Tobias Rhenstone. <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/02/right~212348/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/10/02/right~212348/#commentshttp://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/09/30/control_self_alter_feelings_delete_mind~209108/tag:redwind.blog.co.uk,2005-09-30:/2005/09/30/control_self_alter_feelings_delete_mind~209108/Fri, 30 Sep 2005 11:36:09 +0200 <p>I'm writing this entry for her. she gave me a small list of things to talk about in it, so here we go...</p> <p>FEELINGS<br> I'm in love with the girl. I feel so happy that she has some feelings for me, no matter how strong they may or may not be. I'm unhappy that she can't decide wether to take the risk and have something she may want for the rest of her life if she doesn't, or play it safe and loose out.</p> <p>OUTCOMES<br> I can either be one thing or the other. If We take the risk, We could be happy forever, and even if it didn't work out along that line, i'd always be there in the other capacity, the no-risks one.</p> <p>If, however we jump straight to no-risks, neither of us finds out what it could be like, we go off, settle down with different partners and whilst we will be close, there will always be an ocean of emotion dis-joint between us.</p> <p>WANTS<br> Simply, I want her. I want her so much, but if she's not ready for it, or decides that she just doesn't want to take the risks, then I'm happy just being what I am.</p> <p>HER FEELINGS<br> This is the one that upsets me most. She knows she wants the risk, on some level, but she doesn't on another. Her head and her heart are telling her two completely different things, and they are both different, but both good.</p> <p>lol. She's gonna end up flipping coins.</p> <p>She says she wants the risk more when I'm around, but afterwards, her head steps in and says 'no.' but either way, it all comes down to what she decides in the end, and I'm afraid she'll stick to the safe option, no matter how large the potential rewards of risk.</p> <p>NEXT...<br> Next, I'm gonna sit down, cigarette in one hand, coffee in the other and I'm gonna wonder if I'm a complete cockbite for doing this to her. (or as she would say, A french-speaking, banjo playing, tight-rope walking monkey with an irish accent.) Any advice for her, give it to me, I'll pass it on. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/09/30/control_self_alter_feelings_delete_mind~209108/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://red_wind.blog.co.uk/2005/09/30/control_self_alter_feelings_delete_mind~209108/#comments